Up A Hall, Without A Paddle
by Razzlephrat
Summary: “Has anyone ever told you, you drink like a whale?” A series of one shots, chronicling the idiomatic faux-paus of a crazy Ninja chick. And some she gets right.
1. Fatty Had A Party And Nobody Came

Disclaimer: I own all 6 seasons on DVD!

Note: I don't know how long this series will be, I have a few chapters written and about 30+ idioms I have for Ziva to intelligently screw up, but none of the chapters are dependant on the others, so there's no plot. Except for when there is and that's only to get to the punch line. And this isn't necessarily "TIVA" centric so much as Ziva, cause, well, it'd be pointless to write a Zivaism series without her. Also, I don't have a review requirement but I like to know what I did right and what I did wrong. Thanks to my lovely betas, Jessica and Carly!

* * *

_"Fatty Had A Party And Nobody Came"_

"Has anyone ever told you, you drink like a _whale_?" Ziva asked her partner, eyeing him suspiciously as he finished off his third Southside Lemonade.

"_Fish_," Tony corrected, as he took another from the bartender.

"What?" She narrowed her eyes at him.

"It's drink like a fish, Zee-Vah," he mumbled, barely taking his lips away from the straw.

"I know, but I was comparing you to the large animal that immediately gulps down its food, or in this case, drink."

"So you're calling me fat?" He frowned.

She immediately shot him a playful grin and grabbed his mid-thigh, squeezing lightly.  
"No, but…" glancing down toward his lower half, and making sure he knew exactly where she was looking, she continued: "your pants are looking a little tight."

She patted his stomach as she slid of her bar stool and leaned in toward his ear.

"So drink faster, Willy."

And with that, she winked at him and walked away, hips swaying, torturing him. It wasn't until she had walked out of sight that he tore his eyes away from her, drinking his lemonade until the satisfying slurp could be heard by the bartender.

"Check please!"

**-end-  
**_idiom: "You drink like a fish!"_

_A/N part dos: My comment about the whole intelligently screwing up thing, yeah that was a jibe and TPTB who occasionally see it fit to make Ziva really dumb. I'm pretty sure Ziva was living in America long enough to know that hair loss pills are for people losing hair and not for people who want to lose their hair. Infomercials are everywhere!  
Also if anyone didn't get the Willy reference, Free Willy, horribly sad movie. It's the only whale I could think of other than Moby Dick and there's entirely too much that can go wrong with a reference like that._


	2. Knock You Out Of Your Feet

A/N: Um, so yeah. This is also Tony/Ziva centric. Not really fluffy or anything, unless you find the monotony, trivial arguments and chores of a fictional married couple fluffy. Okay, maybe it is a little fluffy. Also, these are all pretty much AU, none of them ever happened (that I know of!) and in this particular piece, we have an established relationship. Don't ask how it got that way, I don't know!

"_Knock Out Of Your Feet"_

Tony walked into his apartment, a little jaunt in his step, a song on his lips. "_Still it's a real good bet, the best is yet to comeee_!" he sang out, deeply before announcing his homecoming. "Honey, I'm hom…" stopping mid-sentence as he took quick note of the slamming drawers and what he now knew to be very dirty Hebrew curse words coming from the bedroom.

"Ziva!" he said sternly, grabbing her hand as she threw clothes into another drawer with a slam that nearly knocked everything off of the dresser.

"What?!" she hissed, shaking her wrist out of his grip.

"Please, just calm down," he plead, softly as he led her to the bed to sit.

"You're still mad at Gibbs and the Director, aren't you?" He knew the answer to the question but figured it best not to assume.

"Yes, Tony! I can handle myself, I am not an invalid and I do not do well with desk work!"

"You could take maternity leave." He stated, with a shrug of his shoulders, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world that she had not yet thought of.

"And I do not do well with ultimatums either!" She shouted, crossing her arms like a child.

He couldn't help but smile and kiss the top of her head, hormones do crazy things to women. Especially super-Ninja-Killer-Spies and he felt it best to just coddle her for the time being.

"Well, hey, consider yourself lucky Gibbs did not bench you when he found out you were pregnant." He grimaced immediately, realizing what he said.

"Lucky?!" She shot up, arms nearly flailing in exasperation. "Lucky?! If you had not knocked me out in the first place we would not be having this argument!"

"Three things, Ziva. One: Up. I knocked you up. Two: Zoe was planned and you knew when we decided we wanted children that this day would come. Three: Gibbs could not legally allow you to be in the field anymore and we all want you to be safe."

She sighed as she took her seat next to him again, resignation evident in her posture.

"Besides," He spoke as he pressed his lips to her temple. "It's only temporary. Only until you can find your feet again." He could feel her stiffen, her body rigid with fury under his grasp. This time he was actually at a loss and he couldn't recall saying anything that should have gotten her riled up again.

"I can see my feet, Tony I am 7 months pregnant, not 300 pounds!"

Covering his face with his palms he sighed and laughed all the same time, while taking time to compose himself. He loved his wife, God help him, he did. He might even say that on the long list of reasons why he fell in love with her, the silly idiomatic faux-paus were probably in the top 20, but right now, the woman seriously needed to get a grip on the English language. And reality.

"It meant until you are on steady ground again," his answer did not clarify it any more, judging by her confused look. "Back on your feet…" A look of anger flashed across her face. "Sorry, poor choice of words…till you're not carrying our child inside of you and into cross-fire or into enclosed spaces with criminals. And…."

She continued to give him the same glare as she went about putting their clothes away.

He thought better about what he was going to say, and instead apologized. "I'm sorry honey." He'll take the heat from her, better than infuriating her more by telling her that he actually meant "find your feet" in the literal sense.

He wasn't about to remind her that he had to put her shoes on her this morning.

-end-  
_idiom1: "Knocked up."  
idiom2: "Find your feet (again.)"  
_


End file.
